One fine day at 7 AM, lots of ideas in my head waiting to be poured out. A great time to start writing, right? So I grabbed my laptop and started to open my Medium. Then, with an excuse for a while, I check my phone.
Like an autopilot, I clicked Instagram — just for a moment at first — but then interesting short videos come started to appear, about useful tips, then funny videos, then good places to visit, then self-development videos, and… I started to get lost on it, an infinity scroll. Oh no, it’s already 3 hours doing this silly thing. Totally stole my whole attention, dragging me on, and I’ve lost my mood to open the medium.
Fine, it’s still morning. I will try again in the evening. But it got even worse. Just tap tap on my social media with infinity scrolling until I slept too late, and it makes me wake up late, continue with unproductive at work because I feel so lazy and sleepy.
It’s a little over year ago, dopamine always won to control me. I get to this point about myself, until I feel like I’m no longer in control. I choose dopamine, sort of things that (always) give me pleasure, even just a short-term pleasure.
The worst condition came up again. Okay.. I felt like intimidating myself to be more productive. Screaming in regretness. I cursed myself cause wasting so much time.
And it makes me jump into the worst condition, a cycle of procrastination. I’m avoiding some good things to do just because I feel like I’m not clear enough with myself, and always be a loser when against the desire to spend time with social media. It caused I’m afraid that I won’t be able to think well because I’ve been on social media for too long. I’m afraid my writing will be bad and cringe when somebody reads it. I’m afraid my grammars are wrong. I’m afraid my writing violates the rules. Too much fear, too much anxiety. If I can name one of the useless things, that is making a to-do list but I can’t stick to it, cause because irrational things prevent me from doing good things, even see it as threats.
I got so much support from people around me who always encouraged me to start writing. It is one of the reasons why I care about it too much. Without conscious, I set my writing to a high standard, which gives me high fear of failure and I put things off because I’m afraid of my work.
Now, I try to make things clear, forgiving my self, realizing and trying to clean up the blockage in my channel.
So, here’s my beginning. Greetings to everyone.
