One fine day at 7 AM, I had lots of ideas in my head waiting to be poured out. A great time to start writing, right? So I grabbed my laptop and opened my Medium. Then, with an excuse of just a quick break, I checked my phone.
Ok, it’s super hard to me to start writing. Like autopilot, I clicked on Instagram — just for a moment at first — but then interesting short videos started to appear: useful tips, funny videos, great places to visit, self-development content, and… I got lost in it. An infinite scroll.
Oh no, three hours had already passed, and I’d been doing this silly thing. It completely stole my attention, dragging me in, and I lost my mood to open Medium.
Fine, it was still morning. I decided to try again in the evening. But it got even worse. I kept tapping through social media, scrolling infinitely, until I went to bed too late and woke up late. This made me unproductive at work because I felt lazy and sleepy. In Indonesia, we would say ‘hadeh’.
A little over a year ago, dopamine always won and controlled me. I reached a point where I felt like I was no longer in control. I kept choosing the dopamine hits, the things that (always) gave me short-term pleasure.
Then the worst condition came up again. Okay… I felt like I was intimidating myself into being more productive, screaming in regret. I cursed myself for wasting so much time.
And this led me into the worst condition: a cycle of procrastination. I was avoiding good things to do simply because I didn’t feel clear enough with myself, and I always felt like a loser when I gave in to the desire to spend time on social media. It caused me to fear that I wouldn’t be able to think properly because I had spent too much time there. I was afraid my writing would be bad and cringe-worthy when someone read it. I was afraid my grammar would be wrong. I was afraid my writing would violate rules. Too much fear, too much anxiety.
If I could name one of the most useless things, it would be making a to-do list that I couldn’t stick to, because irrational things kept me from doing the good things and made me see them as threats.
Gratefully, I got so much support from the people around me who always encouraged me to start writing. This is one of the reasons why I care about it so much. Without realizing it, I set my writing to a high standard, which created a strong fear of failure, making me procrastinate because I was afraid of my own work.
Now, I’m trying to make things clear, forgiving myself, realizing, and working to clear the blockages in my mind.
So, this is where I begin. Here’s to embracing progress, forgiving myself, and moving forward. Greetings to everyone, and let the journey of writing unfold.
